At first I chalked it up to retirement adjustment. But as time passed, it continued and seemed to worsen. When I would attempt a gentle conversation about my concerns, the response was steeped in denial and tinged with annoyance.
I'm realizing now that this was likely the start of his dementia journey; I just didn't recognize it for what it was. Then came the cognitive changes: confusion about the difference between a debit and a credit card, some difficulty with managing our investments, and many other subtle changes that were a harbinger of things to come.
Way back, when I first noticed the personality changes, I remember feeling hurt and confused. What happened to my sweetheart? Is this what our future looked like? It scared me, but I didn't know what to do about it.
Fast forward to today. Never could I have imagined that this is where we would be at this point in our lives.
Jim progression continues to surprise me. I just didn't think that the progression would happen as fast as it is. Some recent changes:
- Sense of privacy is changing. Jim was sweeping our driveway. He stopped, unbuckled his belt, dropped his pants partway down and re-tucked his t-shirt. He's done similar things in public. Not to the extent of exposing himself, but obviously very inappropriate. I've tried a little humor ("Uh-oh! Someone might see your you-know-what!") But he doesn't get it. Not sure what I'll do about this. Probably nothing, as long as he is not exposing his you-know-what!
- Jim is not able to use the hairdryer, even with demonstration, guidance and prompts. I now am learning how to style a man's haircut using the hairdryer. 😀
- He no longer knows how to wash his hands. He calls for me and says "I don't know what to do". I can talk him through this using some physical guidance for hand placement, and helping him with the soap.
- Once in the shower, he no longer knows how to get soap out of his favorite shower soap container. Once I pour some in his hand, he can lather up and rinse his body.
For the last few months I've done all the "prep" for his morning routine: setting up the shower with towel, laying out his shaver, toothbrush and paste, laying out clean clothes. Once he was in the shower, it gave me about 10 minutes to make phone calls (to my mom, to our friend Mike) that were best made when I was alone. I'm realizing that I can no longer count on this time for myself. I'm guessing that it won't be too long before he'll need help actually washing his body and hair in the shower.
I do manage to find other times for privacy/myself. Jim is actually napping as I type this. He is sleeping quite a lot these days. Usually two naps a day. The other change is that he is now going to bed about 6:30.
When he first started to do this, I thought perhaps it was just that he was confused about the time of day. I would gently point out that it was still early, and that we had just finished dinner not too long ago. His response is always "But I'm tired."
He awakens in the morning usually between 6:30 - 7:30. I've decided not to be concerned about all this sleep. His body must need it. And, it does give me some time to myself which is a real bonus.
Communication continues to be our biggest challenge. Earlier today, out of the blue, he said "I've never had a used Indian." I could not have made that up if I tried! Where does this stuff come from? I have no idea. But it is typical of the kinds of things he will say. Most times things make no or very little sense. My response is always to smile, and nod my head in affirmation.
The hard part is when he is desperately trying to communicate something he needs, and I have no idea what it is. Keeping his frustration level low is always my top priority. Bathroom needs, feeling too hot/cold, hungry, bored....those are all things that are so important that he is not able to communicate to me. I tend to go through my mental checklist when I'm trying to figure things out. Sometimes i succeed, sometimes not. Doing the best I can is all I can do.
Some good things that happened this week..."Comfort level" toilet installed in our master bathroom. Thinking ahead to when Jim may struggle with this. It's good for my bad knees too! We had a whole house humidifier installed on Tuesday. Knowing that we will no longer head south for the winter, I want to keep our house more comfortable. I had an eye appointment that I knew would be lengthy. I had Mike arrive at the office before we did.The "story" was that Mike's wife was having a procedure, and he was waiting for her. Perfect! Jim was OK to wait in the waiting room with Mike while I had my appointment and picked out a (desperately needed) new pair of glasses.
Another week has passed, and changes have walked us further down the road of dementia. We know where this leads. It's the journey no one wants to take. But take it we must. Thanks for supporting me on this journey. And as always, thanks for stopping by.