Dementia: Some Things Change, Some Stay the Same

I had an unexpected health problem over the weekend. I ended up going to an urgent care and ended up on antibiotics and an anti-inflammatory for a swollen, red, painful ankle. I'm on the mend, but it remind me that I am not invincible. Actually, I am very healthy. But no one is exempt from an unexpected health problem. What would I have done if it was something more serious? Of course I am talking about Jim; I don't know the answer, but this has given me a lot to think about.

Jim has become very attentive to me, expressing concern for my health. This is the old Jim that I remember so well. Two weeks ago when I had a cold, his reaction was quite different, almost angry at me.  Dementia has so many ups, downs, twists and turns, many times I just don't know what to expect.

Jim's understanding of money has changed on many levels. He is no longer able to count money, make change, and his perspective on the relative cost of things is way off. The other day we drove by a gorgeous house. I'm sure it was well over a million dollars (beach front!). Jim's comment was that it was very expensive, "probably close to $50,000".

When buying something, I now go out of my way to avoid talking about the price. What ever the price, he will comment that it is too expensive. He was never like this before. Eating out happens rarely for a lot of reasons. We seldom make it past looking at the menu. Reasons for not staying include "it's taking too long", "it's too cold", "crappy menu", "it costs too much". I never try to change his mind once he decides to leave (it would only make him angry). But I have developed some work arounds that occasionally work. If he mentions the price, I immediately tell him I have a coupon for 50% off. By the time the meal is over, he has forgotten about the coupon, his reading glasses are safely tucked away, and I grab the bill.

It's almost like his brain is in an economy from 20 - 30 years ago. So, to keep the peace, I use alternative facts (of course I did not invent that term :-)) Ha Ha.

One thing that has not changed is Jim's sense of humor. It was always a huge part of our relationship. We had one of those easy going, light-hearted loving relationships. Laughter and humor was always a big part of it. Since dementia invaded his brain, anxiety many times gets in the way of being able to appreciate the humor in life, but it still happens at times and boy does that make me happy!

I'm not a big TV watcher. But there is one very funny show that I recently discovered. I smile and laugh my way through each episode! And Jim finds it equally funny! That is huge for me. The show is called The Carbonaro Effect. It is hilarious. It's on Tru TV. So here is something very funny that we can still share, joke about and spend time together enjoying each other's company. Stress free!

I am so thankful that his wonderful sense of humor is still there inside of him. He may not remember what we laughed about 5 minutes ago, but I see it as enjoying the moment as it is happening. I also know that when you are happy and laughing some very good things are happening in your brain that make you feel good. And even if his memory fails him on what he was just laughing about, the feel good happiness remains with him for a while.

I continue to practice distancing to help me deal with the emotional upsets. I found another resource  on emotional distance that I find helpful. The more upsetting the moment, the harder it is for me to remember to use distancing. But I'm working at it, and hopefully it will get easier.

Dementia: some things change, and some stay the same. As our journey continues I know that more changes are headed our way. I hope to continue to look for the positive and appreciate the joyful moments we can still enjoy together.