As I've mentioned before, Jim thinks that he is at home. When he sees me, he thinks that I am returning home from work. What a blessing! When I leave after spending some time with him, I always make sure he is involved in some kind of activity. Then I lean over, whisper in his ear "I'm going to the bathroom. I'll be right back." He replies "OK". I then give him a kiss on the cheek and head out to go home. It has worked so well. No angst over me leaving for the day. His memory is such that he won't remember that I was there just a few minutes ago. Staff know to say that I am at work and will be home soon, should he ask about me.
The other day when I arrived for the afternoon he was just finishing lunch. He stood up, walked over to greet me, hugged me tight and said "Carole, I am so happy with you. Will you marry me?" Moments like this I will treasure forever. How lucky am I that he still knows me, still loves me madly, and is able to tell me every day how much he loves me.
Jim has had some new challenges. His incontinence is increasing and he wears pull-ups to protect his clothing. At home, we were just starting to have some intermittent problems in this area. At home he never agreed to wearing anything other than his usual underwear. But at the care home, I have removed all of his usual underwear so that the only option is the pull-ups.
I go to great lengths to disguise them. I've even purchased some on my own that are a blue/gray color, rather than the white. As I help him dress, I put the pull-up in the athletic pants so that he is not as likely to notice as he would if it involved a two-step process.
The other morning (I had not yet arrived) he struck a staff person in the face twice as she and another staff person were trying to assist him in changing after he had been incontinent with a bowel movement. I talked to the two staff who were involved. They were wonderful. I was able to express my concern for their safety. They both assured me that they were not hurt, and that these situations go with the job of caring for folks with dementia.
I am deeply grateful for such kind, caring and understanding caregivers for Jim.
My other thought on all of this is to imagine how difficult this change must be for Jim. At some level I am sure he is embarrassed. He also is likely upset and angry that he no longer has the control over all of his bodily functions. It must be so hard for him!
He is not always agreeable to showering. Usually I am the one that is helping him. I seem to have better luck than the staff at getting him to agree. I usually turn it into a light-hearted experience. I get the water nice and warm and then ask him if he wants to take a shower with me. His face lights up and he almost always says yes!
Once his clothes are off and he is in the shower, he is distracted enough where he does not question the fact that I still have my clothes on. I help him wash his hair. He can still wash his body, with some prompting and a little help with the soap.
The weather on the East coast has been brutal. Our neighborhood has not been spared. Thursday I had a nail-biting commute between home and the nursing home. The route there involves a very steep hill going down, and then coming up. I witnessed several vehicles trying to get traction, but unable to. The salt and sand doesn't work as well in frigid temperatures. In addition, the rate of snowfall made it difficult for the plows to keep up. The howling winds and blowing snow made visibility almost non-existent. Wind chill factors have been around minus 20 degrees Fahrenheit.
Here's a picture taken this morning from my window, looking out onto our deck.
I made the wise decision to stay home yesterday and today. We've had well over a foot of snowfall in the last two days with another 8 - 12 inches today. Tomorrow the snow will stop and I'll head up again. It is hard on me when I don't see Jim. I know he is well cared for, safe and contented. But I still miss him when I don't see him everyday.
I've met with a realtor and plan to put my house on the market in the near future. In many ways I am very pragmatic, and this decision is a no-brainer. The size, the expense and the upkeep are way too much for one person alone. But there is another part of me that realizes that I am closing the door on a chapter in our lives. A chapter that was full of love, life and wonderful experiences. Of course I know that Jim will never come home. He will never get better. His decline is inevitable. I'm stating the obvious. But on another level my heart aches. It's closure on a very wonderful part of our life.
I'm looking at possibly purchasing a condo not too far from here. It's about 1,000 square feet. Includes a garage for these terrible winters. I want to stay in the area so that I can continue to be close to where Jim is and where my friends are.
2017 was a year of turmoil, sadness and change. I look to 2018 as a year where my sweetheart is at last contented and safe. And I will do my best to cope with the challenges that life has sent our way.
Another post is written. Thanks so much for letting me share with you what is on my heart and on my mind. I'm so grateful for the amazing support I receive from each one of you!