I'm usually pretty good at figuring out what Jim is trying to say. But once in a while I can't. Usually it doesn't bother him, but lately he expresses anger. Today he said a vague, partial sentence: "what about ....(very long pause)". I suggested several things I thought he might be trying to say. None were right. Jim became quite upset, saying "How am I supposed to do this! You're no help!"
I know that he is frustrated that he can't express what is on his mind. How discouraging this must be for him! And yet it still hurts, because I know I am trying so hard to help him, even though I am not successful. I'm practicing some of the tips I've learned about resilient thinking, mental distancing and trading pain for self-compassion. These situations are still hard, but these activities help me to move out of the dumps that I usually find myself in after an upset.
He is starting to have difficulty with time. He was looking at an analog clock and said to me "It's five six. I don't know what that means." (It was 6:25) Today he was telling me how cold he was (it was 76 degrees in our condo!). He looked at the digital display on the stove clock and said "It's too cold! It's five point four five!" It was 5:45. He somehow thought he was looking at the thermostat readout.
This afternoon he was certain that his glasses were lost, and he could not find them. He has a pair of glasses for reading, and one pair of sunglasses. I showed him the shelf where both pairs of glasses were. He was not convinced. And I could tell that if I pressed the issue, it would just anger him. I'll spare you the sad details, but I joined him for over an hour looking in every nook and cranny for a nonexistent pair of missing glasses. He finally came to the conclusion himself that the two pairs of glasses were the only ones he brought with him. Whew!
So, I have a plan:
1) The transition is being made for his health care to be managed by a gerontologist. I'm looking forward to working with her to provide a better quality of life for Jim. I know that the medications for dementia do not halt the progression of the disease, but at this point I would welcome a steadiness and hope for some improvement in his day to day functioning. Something for the anxiety is desperately needed as well.
2) Plane tickets have been purchased for the flight home in March. Jim's friend Mike has graciously offered to drive our car home for us. There will likely be confusion, but one day of confusion is way more manageable than three.
3) Blocks of time for me: Once we are home, I plan to hire help (under the guise of housekeeper, handyman, friend time) for 3 blocks of time each week. This will allow me to keep my own appointments, go to a support group, lunch with a friend, go to my favorite YMCA class, see my mom.
Thanks for stopping by, and as always, thanks for listening!