Things always look better in the morning, and this morning I feel especially grateful for this truth. I feel so bad for Jim. This character called dementia really had a grip on him last night.
The evening started out so pleasant. We made plans with our friends to go out to dinner. They stopped over for an appetizer and drinks prior to dinner. As we enjoyed our incredible view of the ocean, we enjoyed each others' company and appreciated our good fortune to spend the winter together in such a lovely, warm, friendly community.
At dinner, the restaurant was busy and noisy. Our plans to have an early dinner did not work out as planned. The meal was delicious, our waiter was attentive and funny, but the noise, confusion and busyness took its toll on Jim. No disasters during the meal, but I could see the signs of Jim's discomfort.
By the time we got home and said good night to our friends, Jim was in overdrive. I'll spare you the details, but Mr. Dementia reared his ugly head, inconsolable, angry and upset. The focus was on the temperature in the condo. I've mentioned before the struggles Jim has with temperature regulation. On a good day, he'll put on a hoodie, or take it off, or mention to me that the thermostat needs adjusting. On a day when dementia has taken over his brain, the conversation becomes a confusing entangled mess with no resolution in sight.
Yes means no, hot means cold, nothing I do is right, on and on.
Dementia finally gave it all a rest around 2:00 AM.
I am getting better at mentally separating what Jim says and does, as opposed to what dementia says and does. It is an important distinction for the caregiver. It certainly helped me last night, as Mr. Dementia was storming around.
I read somewhere that you should "never argue with dementia, because you will lose". (I can't remember where I read it, so unable to give credit. I think it was an Alzheimers newsletter.) Notice that it doesn't say that you won't win, instead it says you will lose. Important distinction. It is normal in all relationships to have disagreements, arguments. In a healthy relationship the focus is on working out disagreements in a fair way, without attacking each other on a personal level.
Dementia does not know these rules.
When we woke up early this morning, Jim snuggled in close to me, telling me how much he loved me. There was no mention of last night. I'm not sure how much of what happened he remembers, but I am certain he remembers how upset he was last night. And I'm guessing he remembers that I was the object of his upset.
This post by Dr. Elaine Eshbaugh is great. It says (much better than I can) how emotion lasts longer than cognition. This is true for everyone, but especially for those with dementia.
Jim has fallen back to sleep this morning, exhausted I am sure by all that happened. It's comforting to me that his body is now in restore mode, trying to make up for his sleep loss from last night.
Dementia: we have our good days, and our not so good days. It is always present. But I am getting so much better at emotionally separating myself from what the dementia is doing, as opposed to what Jim is doing.
Another post is written, and once again it feels good to share what is on my mind and in my heart. Thanks for stopping by.