Well, he's not really a stranger, but sometimes it feels that way.
It's been a while since I posted. My goal was to write at least weekly. Sometimes I'm not sure what to write, and sometimes I hesitate to write because I don't want everything to sound so negative. Jim and I have plenty of good times together. He is still in the early stages. From what I have read, some spouses do not recognize any cognitive changes until the person is well along in the decline. I certainly noticed very early on several years ago.
We definitely have had some frustrating moments. But looking at the totality, it really is nothing compared to what many caregivers go through. I expect to fine tune my coping skills as the disease progresses. I could be described as a planner. I like to know what to expect, and I appreciate opportunities to prepare for the future. This journey will definitely take me to places I've never been, and I hope I am prepared.
We were all set for an afternoon cruise around one of the local lakes. We live near a resort town that is fun to visit. It sits on a beautiful lake. Last week we talked about booking one of the touring boats around the lake. I suggested the one hour tour in mid-afternoon, as opposed to a dinner or lunch cruise. I figured the shorter time span would be easier for him. He was just as excited as I was, and definitely looking forward to it. Tonight he surprised me by saying that he has "no interest" in doing it. "It sounds boring."
Probably one of my biggest challenges is finding things to do that will keep him happy. It is not unusual for him to wake up and say "what are we doing today?" It's a big change for me. I have my own life of course. When I first retired, he was perfectly capable of finding things to do to entertain himself. Myself, I enjoy time with my friends and lots of physical activity. Jim used to enjoy working out at the gym. I finally cancelled his membership a couple of months ago. It has been a long time since he went to the gym, over a year at least. I certainly tried, including asking him to join me at the gym. He is always "too tired" or "too busy" (doing what???).
We used to go for long hikes together. Now, it is a slow shuffle for 2 miles at the most, and then he is tired. That may sound like a long distance for some people, but we used to go on very long strenuous hikes and enjoyed every minute. There is no physiological reason for this change in his energy level. Reading about dementia it appears that fatigue is common. I have not been able to figure out why. Is the brain on overdrive trying to fill in the missing pieces? Does this then tire out the person? I just don't know the answer to this question.
I miss the old Jim. The new Jim is a different man. Still looks the same, but acts and speaks so differently sometimes.
Yesterday I spent the day with my elderly mom. She needs a lot of help and relies on me for grocery shopping, banking, general errands etc. I am so glad that I am able to help her at this time in her life. I got home late afternoon and Jim was visibly upset (at me) that "there is no food in the refrigerator". What he really meant was that he could not find anything that appealed to him to eat for lunch while I was gone. It also means he did not look far enough in the fridge to find some of his favorite foods.
It's hard for me to not get defensive when he says things like this. We worked through this unsettling episode, but it's like a scar tissue that seems to be building with each hurtful comment. Even though I know it's the disease process, it is hard not to take it personally. I do so much for him, and I sometimes feel that I am not appreciated. But deep down I know that is not the case. He truly loves and appreciates me, it is just that darn disease process has changed him into someone I do not always recognize.
I have a very close friend whom I trust, and have been able to share with her what is going on with Jim. What a relief. Her emotional support has been nothing short of phenomenal. She listens carefully and always has something empathic to say to me. I cherish her friendship. We had lunch together last week and then went shopping. What a wonderful time we had! Lots of laughter, and lots of talking. It's one of those special friendships where we are mutually supportive of each other and truly enjoy each others' company.
It feels good to put into words what is in my heart and mind. Thanks for stopping by.